uncomfortable

a few uncomfortable truths.

i really can't move.

the potter analogy

not harry potter.

the analogy of God being the Potter and us being the clay came up in the sermon on sunday morning, and a few things stuck out to me.

the Potter has in his mind what the final product will be.

so God has a purpose for our lives, and he knows the exact purpose.

we're clay (it's like dirt).

we're really not that great. we're all made from the same thing, so who are we to say that we're better than anyone else? at the end of they day we're clay.

the Potter can use this clay to make things for his purposes, and if it's damaged in the process, the whole time it's still in his hands.

we might have had a rough upbringing, but the whole time God has been in control, and he knows what's going on.

clay has to be tested by fire before it can fulfil it's purpose.

if you're lacking in a certain aspect, chances are that's where you'll be tested, to develop what you lack. take a moderately introverted engineering student lacking extroversion, throw him into a new course with no-one his age and force him to make friends. :)

the fire's heat and the amount of time the clay is in the fire is still controlled by the Potter.

God knows exactly how much heat we can take. (again with the 1 Corinthians 10:13)

that's all i've got for today

resolution

i can't help it.

as much as i've tried to avoid it, or to play it down, i'm an introvert.

masquerading as an extrovert.

perhaps not masquerading per se, but after a long talk and some fate-filled words, i've reached a resolution, that may take some time to digest. so here goes:

i hate being regarded as "the old guy" or "deep" because i felt that it made me inaccessible, like some guy who takes himself too seriously or gets too caught up in his thoughts.

i remember last year having a running joke of "pete you're so old" fill my days in the ref, and feeling so out of touch with my classmates. i also remember taking hold of that joke and running with it in a vain attempt to circumvent it (some sort of reverse psychology) and that kind of worked.

and i also remember this year, sitting in a group environment and having someone pose a deep question. my facial expression changed and i looked off into the distance,

and i heard jeremy say "look at this kid get lost inside himself", which promptly brought me back to reality. my initial reaction was a groan at my own expense, and then my second reaction was a reaction to my initial reaction. lets call it a chain-reaction (bam).

i started to wonder how far i'd come from who i thought i was, and how much of myself i truly censored.

see, in engineering i was ridiculously comfortable with who i was, there was a constant stream of awkward (my style of humour) thought, irreverent comments and a fair share of considerate thought flowing through my consciousness at all times. i'd have an awkward reply to any joke or comment, or i'd be quick to comment on things that i didn't feel were right, right after a quick analysis of who could possibly be hurt by what i'm saying, and appropriate modification.

coming into medicine, i really put on the hat of extroversion to make friends and work well in group situations, and it was really easy to make friends quickly, provided i kept things relatively light and funny. there were times when i had to get deep, and people knew this, but i stayed light-hearted and unchallenging for the majority of the year.

after a few unfortunate incidents last year (trouble with getting too deep), i burnt myself (figuratively) and have since learnt to censor what i say and do, to make sure i'm not stepping out of line or being inappropriate. nothing wrong with having a constant censor, but for the first time it felt like there was so much of myself i was holding back that it was ridiculous. i'd hesitate to encourage, compliment or even greet enthusiastically in case it could be taken the wrong way or misconstrued, and somewhere along the line it also took away my sense of direction.

too quick to be a people pleaser, too quick to take on so much, i started resenting the filter in my head (john mayer reference), but realising that it was still beneficial for those around me. but i felt a lack of direction and a loss of my self.

to make things worse, the stream of consciousness had begun to fill itself with romantic things again. songs, ideas, gifts, gestures, things that i really liked about myself in the past, and when contrasted against the strict regiment of the filter, things that i definitely could do without.

and that was the odd turning point.

i wasn't sure whether or not the things i liked about myself, were the things i still could like about myself. to reiterate, if the person i was then, is still the person i could be now.

and then a few real words from chris pointed me to this resolution:

God made me exactly the way i am, for His glory.

the awkward-stream of consciousness.

the filter.

the all of me that exists to shout his glory.

and then the most bizarre bible verse came to my head, along with the note in my bible, and it's this from Psalm 104:

25 There is the sea, vast and spacious, 


teeming with creatures beyond number— 


living things both large and small.

26 There the ships go to and fro, 


and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

27 These all look to you 


to give them their food at the proper time.

the note says (and i paraphrase) imagine the idea of a whale (possibly the aforementioned leviathan), from the perspective of the Israelites (a fairly land-locked people). this impossibly huge animal in the sea, created simply to "frolic".

and the thing that came to mind was this:

i'm this awkward almost-21-year-old med student with a bajillion things going on, church, SMA, everything else, and a constant stream of awkward with a huge filter in my head.

how could i not "frolic" in my circumstance?

God provides for the whale at the proper time, and that's a creature he created to frolic in the ocean. how much more would he look after me in my circumstance?

and given that all things work for the glory of God, how is my existence any less or more important than the frolicking of a whale?

i've clearly over-used the word frolic, but my conclusion is that i might not be satisfied with myself right now, and i might not have this filter and flow worked out, but i'm on the way, and that's enough. if i'm doing what God made me to do (frolic or medicine), and being who He made me to be (in all the awkwardness mixed in with the moments of deep thought), what reason do i have to be angry at myself?

only i can be me.

the plug

plug, in case i haven't plugged it before:

sisterhoodftw.

straight from the site:

Inspired by sites likeartofmanliness.com which show guys how to be real men in this world, this is a blog discussing how girls can be real women in this modern age and what it means to be a Woman of God and effortlessly cool (coolness factor also depends on your own awesomeness).

BTW, FTW = For The Win. (:

although, today's post is ridiculously relevant to Men of God as it's a MAN-day Monday post.

thankyou to Yu-Min for reminding me of the lesson drilled into my head twice in 2008:

who are we to determine what's good for us? surely God knows everything we need?

i can't wait to meet her, because i know she'll be so much more than the sum of the parts that i pray for. a bit like how a melody is so much more than a sequence of notes in rhythm.

one life. six words. again

conflict between my heart and mind

my awkward smile

this is an entirely optional post, feel free to skip it if you don't want to read a gripping description of my wonderful day.

so my dad drove me to the surgery half an hour early today, and we ended up walking around subiaco for a bit before the actual procedure. he told me all about how he and mum used to live in a flat just behind perth modern when they first moved here, and his first job was translating at PMH. he asked me questions about life for the first time that i can remember, about where i wanted to go on medical elective, where i wanted to live. and it was a refreshing father-son talk, the likes of which have never been seen before.

so i came back and flicked through Time magazine (sounds cool to do, but i really just skim read) for a few minutes and the anaesthetist called me in and hooked me up with an IV drip.

he said "you'll feel a bit of coolness in your arm" and i did, and the next thing i remember is chuckling over something.

the next hour was a blur, i don't remember much about when the procedure started, i do remember having an exceptionally dry throat and tongue, and thinking to myself "hey i wonder if i can ask him if i can keep my teeth". That may or may not have been when he extracted them.

I also remember staring into someone's eyes and a changeover with someone else doing the stitches.

suddenly i'm alert, and in the chair, and it's a struggle to lift my head.

i do some coordination exercises with my hands, so they're okay, but it's the head that is really killing me.

i'm walked to a comfortable reclining chair, before the anaesthetist says i'm good to go.

with a face full of gauze and an incredibly dry throat still, i fall asleep in the car.

the next few hours are me tapping my face trying to regain some sensation. ben calls and gets me to come on msn because i make stupid noises when replying on the phone. halfway through the conversation i realise i'm drooling blood onto my protective paper towel and it's glamorous.

a few bowls of soup, naps and episodes of gossip girl later, i'm sitting at my laptop with little to no swelling, no bleeding and no pain (which may or may not be the nurofen plus).

apologies for the incredibly boring post, but if my face swells up like a chipmunk, pictures will be here.

pbvn

moments in a life i imagine: ten

He stumbles across the dance floor, trying to find the people he'd like to spend the night with, dancing and enjoying each other's company. The stumbling comes from the pushing and shoving, the swaying in the sea of bodies and the soreness in his muscles from being awake for far too long, rather than the inebriation afflicting the rest of the sea.

A tap on the shoulder, a pat on the back, several smiles, hugs and winks, from an assortment of people who have had some impact on his life.

A close friend from high school.

A girl who's returned from a year-long sojourn in the eastern states.

A handshake from a university graduate.

A guy with the same name as him.

Several shouts of "PETER BAO VIET NGUYEN."

And after all this he still can't find them.

He's led to them by a friend from another circle, and the night resumes.

Of all his concurrent circles of friendship, this is the one that he's lived in the most for the last year. They're so young it hurts, and he's one of them.

He smiles at her and she returns it awkwardly, and he doesn't know what she's thinking.

His thought to her, "Don't let it fly this time, I'm only trying to be your friend.".

To the girl who's leaving, he tries to say as much as he can in one hug, "Sorry for the way things turned out.".

And the night ends the same way it usually does, they leave him with another one of his friends and he smiles that secret smile to himself, thankful that they're in his life. There isn't a goodbye but he supposes they don't need to worry about him.

As he drives two of his closest friends home, the lights on the freeway blur and suddenly it's oh so clear.

THE END.

As a note, everything in this blog-post actually happened, there is nothing but truth. This concludes the 'moments in a life i imagine' series, which has been fun to write, but at the same time rather detrimental to my personal development.

You see, having a moment in a life i imagine started to get me thinking that this life wasn't enough. That this life, wasn't sufficient and wasn't exactly what I needed.

Writing these posts was unintentionally my saying to God, "Hey, this life you've given to me is great, but I think it'd be much prettier if you did this, or if she had said this. Or if I had reacted in this way." and it's this discontent that pulls me away from what is.

But given recent circumstances and sudden realisations, everything is a gift, and the Lord God Almighty provides me with exactly what I need at exactly the right time.

There isn't a need for a moment in a life i imagine, because it can't get any better than this.

So that's why this final moment is nothing but the truth, because it's beautiful. It doesn't need to be dressed up in the pretentious allegory I love so much, it's life.

The trees don't need to wrap their arms around me when I play my guitar, because I know that God holds each note in the air. The sparks that I wish were flying between her and I are nothing compared to the small secret electrical pulses that sustain me.

And in the context of grace, there's nothing else worth imagining.

my secret smile

i penned some lyrics a long time ago, on another blog.

but i refused to post them there. so they belong here.

i wanted to paint a picture of a relationship.

verse one would be the fizzing of the relationship. the electricity when our hands almost touch. they secret smiles that we both wear but never see. and seeing the sun set over the coastline for the first time together.

verse two would have us seeing each other on a regular basis. i'd get a little more involved in your daily life and behind your smile i'd discover this amazing person. there'd be something about you that i couldn't keep my mind off. and we'd stay up late until the early hours, soaking in our conversation.

and finally verse three would be the proposal. it's been years and we know each other so well that it's predictable. well, almost. you never could walk and talk at the same time, let alone deal with a ring. i want you to be the one i wake up to.

so that's what i was going for, but i kept the lyrics vague because i haven't actually had these experiences. and it'd be much too personal if i had. maybe someday i'll pick up these lyrics again and rewrite them, for her (whoever she is, wherever she is).

v1

you stared at me as i looked across the hall

when our eyes met, the distance made no sense at all

i took my chance and grabbed your hand, and this i can't regret

oh girl, wont you be my sunset

chorus1

and the days fade out along the shore

but time stands still when i am yours

all of the roses just melt in the sun

when i know that you are the one (weak lyrics)

v2

everything i know about you's changed

the light behind your eyes is something else i can't explain

i wanna know what makes you smile with every flash of daylight

girl, wont you be my midnight

chorus2

v3

we've been together so long our lives become the same

it's nearly time for me to ask for you to change your last name

then you'll fall down in utter shock and complete surprise

girl, wont you be my sunrise

girl, wont you be my sunrise.

written under the pseudonym "grayson"

secret admission: jay chou

this is a painful admission, but i've been listening to Jay Chou while studying recently.

friends have pointed out that it's the ideal study music, but I probably have been listening for different reasons.

primarily: i can't understand mandarin, and even if i could, i probably couldn't understand his mumbling (burnnnn).

also: the ballady nature of the songs doesn't get me too energetic and wanting to run around.

could this be

fifty lectures

three anatomy labs

three histology labs

one nutrition lab

one peristalsis lab

one diabetes practical

three physiology tutorials

one mid-semester exam.

four wisdom teeth (heavily impacted)

one operation

one concert

capo on the fourth fret, six chords

one mentor dinner

one Good Friday service

one Easter Sunday service

one 7.5 hour shift at work

one morning coffee with

one person

several secret smiles.

*

bring it on, and I'll bring You praise