resolution

i can't help it.

as much as i've tried to avoid it, or to play it down, i'm an introvert.

masquerading as an extrovert.

perhaps not masquerading per se, but after a long talk and some fate-filled words, i've reached a resolution, that may take some time to digest. so here goes:

i hate being regarded as "the old guy" or "deep" because i felt that it made me inaccessible, like some guy who takes himself too seriously or gets too caught up in his thoughts.

i remember last year having a running joke of "pete you're so old" fill my days in the ref, and feeling so out of touch with my classmates. i also remember taking hold of that joke and running with it in a vain attempt to circumvent it (some sort of reverse psychology) and that kind of worked.

and i also remember this year, sitting in a group environment and having someone pose a deep question. my facial expression changed and i looked off into the distance,

and i heard jeremy say "look at this kid get lost inside himself", which promptly brought me back to reality. my initial reaction was a groan at my own expense, and then my second reaction was a reaction to my initial reaction. lets call it a chain-reaction (bam).

i started to wonder how far i'd come from who i thought i was, and how much of myself i truly censored.

see, in engineering i was ridiculously comfortable with who i was, there was a constant stream of awkward (my style of humour) thought, irreverent comments and a fair share of considerate thought flowing through my consciousness at all times. i'd have an awkward reply to any joke or comment, or i'd be quick to comment on things that i didn't feel were right, right after a quick analysis of who could possibly be hurt by what i'm saying, and appropriate modification.

coming into medicine, i really put on the hat of extroversion to make friends and work well in group situations, and it was really easy to make friends quickly, provided i kept things relatively light and funny. there were times when i had to get deep, and people knew this, but i stayed light-hearted and unchallenging for the majority of the year.

after a few unfortunate incidents last year (trouble with getting too deep), i burnt myself (figuratively) and have since learnt to censor what i say and do, to make sure i'm not stepping out of line or being inappropriate. nothing wrong with having a constant censor, but for the first time it felt like there was so much of myself i was holding back that it was ridiculous. i'd hesitate to encourage, compliment or even greet enthusiastically in case it could be taken the wrong way or misconstrued, and somewhere along the line it also took away my sense of direction.

too quick to be a people pleaser, too quick to take on so much, i started resenting the filter in my head (john mayer reference), but realising that it was still beneficial for those around me. but i felt a lack of direction and a loss of my self.

to make things worse, the stream of consciousness had begun to fill itself with romantic things again. songs, ideas, gifts, gestures, things that i really liked about myself in the past, and when contrasted against the strict regiment of the filter, things that i definitely could do without.

and that was the odd turning point.

i wasn't sure whether or not the things i liked about myself, were the things i still could like about myself. to reiterate, if the person i was then, is still the person i could be now.

and then a few real words from chris pointed me to this resolution:

God made me exactly the way i am, for His glory.

the awkward-stream of consciousness.

the filter.

the all of me that exists to shout his glory.

and then the most bizarre bible verse came to my head, along with the note in my bible, and it's this from Psalm 104:

25 There is the sea, vast and spacious, 


teeming with creatures beyond number— 


living things both large and small.

26 There the ships go to and fro, 


and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

27 These all look to you 


to give them their food at the proper time.

the note says (and i paraphrase) imagine the idea of a whale (possibly the aforementioned leviathan), from the perspective of the Israelites (a fairly land-locked people). this impossibly huge animal in the sea, created simply to "frolic".

and the thing that came to mind was this:

i'm this awkward almost-21-year-old med student with a bajillion things going on, church, SMA, everything else, and a constant stream of awkward with a huge filter in my head.

how could i not "frolic" in my circumstance?

God provides for the whale at the proper time, and that's a creature he created to frolic in the ocean. how much more would he look after me in my circumstance?

and given that all things work for the glory of God, how is my existence any less or more important than the frolicking of a whale?

i've clearly over-used the word frolic, but my conclusion is that i might not be satisfied with myself right now, and i might not have this filter and flow worked out, but i'm on the way, and that's enough. if i'm doing what God made me to do (frolic or medicine), and being who He made me to be (in all the awkwardness mixed in with the moments of deep thought), what reason do i have to be angry at myself?

only i can be me.